The fact that practicing self denial and diving into motherhood is on the to-do list when we become moms (as Christians at any rate) sounds obvious, but there’s so much more to it than we expect. Here’s what I’ve learned and continue to mull over on this highly efficacious topic.
The goals of Christian Mothers
As Christians, when we become mothers, we set out on a path of raising our God-given children in light of our faith and beliefs. We’re trying to form their character, mold their impressionable minds, and inform their conscience, so that they may grown into faithful, holy, well rounded human beings. When we release them from our homes into the world, we want them to be a shining example of the pillars of our faith, to go forth with firm resolve and conscience, and to “be in the world but not of the world.”
Seems pretty straightforward.
The concept, at least, is direct and to the point. The path to this outcome? Not so much. There are clear action steps we can take to improve our chances of these outcomes and of “curating” these small human beings into souls closely knit with Our Lord. But just because it is simple doesn’t mean it’s easy.
Seeking control over our motherhood
As we decide for ourselves how to raise these children, what their home and school environments should be, which rules and guidance we can use to help form their habits, and all the other nitty gritty details of “planning” – we often fall into the trap of thinking we have more control of the situation than we do.
This isn’t to say that we shouldn’t be using the control that we do have. But it means that there are times when more things are out of our control than in it.
Moms everywhere: “well duhhh, happens all the time!”
Yes, well, what do we do when that happens? If we are able to escape the situation without acting in anger and frustration (or, overreacting in anger and frustration,) our main recourse is to try to find ways of having more control. We white knuckle the steering wheel assuming it will give us better course correction, better instincts, and quicker (positive) reaction time.
But this is promoting stress. If we do this for all the out-of-control situations of motherhood, we will always be stressed. And stress is so very unhealthy for mind, body, and soul. “Peace be with you.” Sound familiar? When we are stressed we do not do our best critical thinking. We do not come up with our best solutions. And most importantly, we’re being self-centered.
That might seem like it came out of left field. But when we’ve immersed ourselves in our stressors and our situations that are remaining outside of our control we are spending so much laser focused time thinking things through that we aren’t even taking in what is going on around us anymore. And that cannot be helpful when we have children to raise!
The mentality shift that needs to occur when we are out of control is this: fellow mother, you were never in control in the first place. You are not holding the world in the palm of your hand. You do not know the number of hairs on your (child’s) head. You did not know the innermost beings of your children before their were conceived.
But He did. He does. He is in control.
When we feel out of control, we really are. It is simply a reminder. And instead of stressing about it, mother, breathe a sigh of relief! Someone who knows infinitely more than you do is in control. Someone who loves your children more than you do is in control. Someone who laid down his life for the ultimate salvation of your children’s souls is in control. Thank God it isn’t you. Thank God the one who has his ducks in a row is calling the shots, and not just a bunch of hodge-podge overwhelmed exhausted moms!
The other usual reaction (or overreaction) to chaotic motherhood is to seek escape. It’s the same kind of pitfall as “living for the weekend” when you work a day job, or the escapism of distraction by means of entertainment or keeping too busy. Some of us just want our kids back to school as soon as possible or want to be away from them more than anything. Some of us put our kids in front of a TV or a computer so that something else can “mind” them and we can get a break. You know what I mean. But there is more we can do about it than simply try to escape it.
Practicing self denial and diving into motherhood
Okay so what does this all mean? Where is the practical application of all of this?
In order to both continue on our path of motherhood and child formation, and also accept that we are not in control, we have to do something radical, and that is offering it up.
When I say this, what I mean is release the death-grip we have on “control,” take a deep breath, recenter ourselves on God, and get up and unite our frustration with his sacrifice. Climb up and join him on the cross. He died on the cross for our eternal souls, right? So what better way to form our children than to be with Him on that mission? What better way to lead by example? What better way to live our prayer that we can be good moms? What better vantage point to view our homes and our families than from the cross?
How we can do this practically speaking is to take up our own crosses and follow Him.
A screaming tantrum, a messy house, a potty training mistake, a disobedient child, you name it. Stop running from it. Stop waiting for it to be over. Stop hating it and getting through it with your teeth grit and your heart hard. Turn around. Run to it. Embrace it. Love it.
First, breathe out. You’re holding your breath. Now, think about it. God gave you these children not just for you to get them to heaven, but for them to get you to heaven. How wonderful is the opportunity to take this thing that you’re doing anyway and turn it into an opportunity of grace, to be able to do as Christ did, turn the other cheek, and continuously accept our cross!
Thank you Lord for the dirty diapers to change, for the mess to clean, for the laundry to wash, for the questions to answer, for the childish defiance to remind me of humility, for the child I love so much that I’ll wake up 8 times a night to care for…
Each one is an opportunity. But we can only benefit from these opportunities by acts of the will, by decision and action. A victim of circumstance doesn’t gain from that circumstance unless they make a conscious choice and take action. My toddler’s tantrum doesn’t edify me unless I do something with that experience. And that things we must choose to do is unite our suffering or our inconvenience with the suffering of Our Lord.
Uniting with Christ on the Cross as a Christian mother
Of course we cannot literally climb up and nail ourselves to the cross to unite ourselves with Christ. But the ways in which we can unite with him as Christian mothers are abundant. We can start with that deep breath of acceptance. We can internally mentally orient ourselves towards Christ, and we can thank him for what he did for us. If you really think about that sacrifice it puts us in our place immediately.
Next we can try to raise ourselves to reflect His will even before we try to fenagle our children into doing so. Think about the eight beatitudes.
Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn: for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness: for they shall be filled.
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called children of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Many of us mothers may indeed feel poor in spirit, but if we are spending all our time fleeing from that, we aren’t exactly living the virtues it entails. I mean, check out that last one – persecuted? Okay maybe our children aren’t persecuting us for righteousness’ sake but there is a lot we can glean from these lessons.
Another thing we can think about as Christian mothers is simply selflessness. The ultimate selfless gift is to lay down your life for another as Christ did for us. We as mothers are called to lay down our life in a much less “final” way each and every day. We lay down our life when we give up our own pursuits and aspirations for the good of our families. It isn’t about setting aside things that are bad for us to do good instead – a real sacrifice is about setting aside something that is a good and letting that go as a form of sacrifice for another. So when I say giving up our own pursuits it doesn’t mean that those wishes and dreams are bad, it simply means they are not our priority anymore above the souls God has entrusted us with.
Selflessness and self-denial are our means of sanctification in our families. Relinquishing wishes, dreams, desires, plans, and …control… are the foundation our homes rest upon and truly prove that “a house divided against itself cannot stand.” If we are serving ourselves first, we are not serving God first. And parallel to that, if we are serving our children “first” but begrudgingly and living in a resentful heart, our WILL is still serving ourselves first. The act of the will is the critical part. If we are not intentionally choosing our cross we are not able to serve God upon it.
What many modern women do not feel that they have is “permission” to give up our Other Wants like careers and ambitions and truly become our motherhood. But having two separate focuses divides our attention, our energy, and our heart. It divides our home. As Christian moms, our highest calling is the formation of whichever children God gives us. And I promise you, if he gives you children, he gives you permission to give them the focus, attention, energy, and home that they need.
A challenge for Christian Mothers
My challenge to myself this: to let go of perceived control, to open my heart to be willing to match the sacrifice of Christ, and to accept my role as a mother as my means of cooperating in my salvation.
What this looks like is daily attempts to slow down my reactions and over-reactions, and breathe out the notion of control.
It looks like looking head on at the difficulty I am facing and seeing it for what it is: an opportunity for self-denial and for matching the will of Our Father.
It looks like conforming my will to His, and embracing that without reservation for what I “really want” outside of that.
It means diving into motherhood so that I do not have a divided focus, so that my days and attitudes are oriented toward sacrifice rather than towards my own wishes. Making my home a place of unity and of pouring out to my family rather than selfishly demanding that things go my way.
It means knowing that these actions do not mean that miraculously my children will behave, my house will stay spotless, and our lives will be simple. Instead it means that when oriented toward God we will be in prime position to accept any graces he sends our way to help in these things, rather than shuffling about huffing and puffing over life not conforming to our will. And when we ask and are willing to accept them, he really does send graces.
So that’s it. That’s my challenge. No more running away from motherhood, from difficulty, from sacrifice, from home.
I’m going to have to start over fresh every day, or sometimes more, but that’s kind of how new days work anyway.
If your motherhood is struggling in the same ways that mine is, maybe trying this shift will help you too. I’m taking this challenge particularly seriously for Lent of 2025 that’s coming up soon, and hopefully by Easter these thoughts will be budding habits to continue into the rest of the year.
I’d be happy to hear your thoughts in the comments. I hope this resonates with you but I’m happy to hear from you if you absolutely disagreed with every word as well.
God bless!